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Free Ft Myers JokesIf you have heard a joke that brought you to tears give us all a laugh. Share it here and have it rated. |
There are 47 Jokes in our Database
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Newest Jokes
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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St Peter 
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Hits: 1714
2006/10/14
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Three men stand at the gates of heaven before St.Peter.
"Heaven is a little full at the moment so I'm only allowing people in who have suffered a terrible death”, says St.Peter, so he takes the first man aside and asks him how he died.
"Well," began the man, "for a while now I've had the feeling that my wife has been cheating on me. So I decided I would see if I could catch her out and left work early." St.Peter nodded his head sympathetically and the man continued, "I got home to find the lift to my apartment was out of order, I live on the 24th floor, so I ran up the stairs. When I finally got in I heard water running and discovered my wife was having a shower. I search the whole flat looking for the guy I was certain was messing with my wife but without any success. So I went onto the balcony to get a little air and I saw this guy hanging off the balcony, obviously thinking he could hide from me. I started jumping on his fingers and punching them but still he held on, so I decided to get my hammer and started to crush his fingers until finally his grip failed. I watched him fall all 24 storeys and land in a bush, I couldn't believe he was still alive so I went into the kitchen and dragged the refrigerator into the front room and onto the balcony. I pushed the fridge over the edge; it must have weighed about a ton and watched it land on him, killing him instantly. After a moment I realised what I had done and could hardly bear to be alive so I went into the bedroom and shot myself in the head, and that is why I'm here".
"A touching story" St.Peter says, and goes over to the talk with the second man. “Come with me and tell me your story my brother." he says.
The second man begins to tell him his story.
"I live on the 27th floor of this high rise apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and, as it was a beautiful morning, did my workout on my balcony outside. All of a sudden I lost my balance and slipped somehow falling over the edge of the balcony to what I thought would be death. Luckily I managed to grab on to a balcony during my fall, I couldn't have fallen more than a couple of floors, and my relief was instant. When, all of a sudden, this man came out. I assume it was his balcony I had landed on and he seemed very irate. I was just trying to pull myself up when he started jumping on my fingers. Somehow by the luck of God I managed to hold on and he left. I started to pull myself up again when he returned. This time he was carrying a hammer!!!! BLOODY HELL, I thought, this guy’s a lunatic, and surely enough he starts smashing my fingers with his hammer!! Of course I couldn't hold on after that and fell what seemed like 100 storeys to the ground. Again it seemed God was smiling over me because I fell into a large bush, obviously in a lot of pain but alive. I remember looking around thinking how amazing it was I was still alive, when all of a sudden this great big white fridge was heading towards me from the sky. The next thing I remember is being here."
"A sad story indeed" says St.Peter with a tear in his eye. He then walks over to the third man, "Come with me and tell me your story" he says.
"Well" began the man, "Imagine being naked in a fridge ........."
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Jokes Category: Jokes  Medical
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Medical Machine
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Hits: 3885
2006/10/14
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One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten
seconds and costs two dollars. It's a lot cheaper than a doctor".
So Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Walmart.
He deposits two dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in arm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart."
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
Joe hurries back to ASDA, eager to check the results. He deposits two dollars, pours in his concoction and awaits the results.
After 5 minutes, the computer prints the following:
"1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant with twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Walmart"
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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Female / Male Prayers
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Hits: 1536
2006/10/14
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FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
Amen.
*********
MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a liquor
store and a boss car.
This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit
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Jokes Category: Men
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Re-Marry?
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Hits: 3964
2006/10/14
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WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not - don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)."
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan).
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you play golf with her?"
HUSBAND: "I guess so."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: - - - silence - - -
HUSBAND: "Bugger"
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| Rating: 9.00 (1 vote) Rate this Joke | Modify | Report this Joke | Tell a Friend | View/Send Comments |
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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So you think you are smart?
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Hits: 1497
2006/10/14
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WORLD'S EASIEST QUIZ
(Passing requires 4 correct answers)
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
3) From which animal do we get catgut?
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
7) What was King George VI's first name?
8) What colour is a purple finch?
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
Check your answers below!
ANSWERS
1) How long did the Hundred Years War last?
*116 years
2) Which country makes Panama hats?
*Ecuador
3) From which animal do we get cat gut?
*Sheep and Horses
4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
*November
5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
*Squirrel fur
6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
*Dogs
7) What was King George VI's first name?
*Albert
8) What colour is a purple finch?
*Crimson
9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
*New Zealand
10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
*Orange, of course.
What do you mean you failed?!
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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Memories
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Hits: 4103
2006/10/14
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A man is in line at the Supermarket when he notices that the rather good looking blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says, "sorry do you know me?" She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children !"
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, Christ! he says "are you that stripogram on my stag night that I shagged on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse!?"
No she replies coldly,"I'm your sons' English Teacher"...
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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Little Johnny's Big Test
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Hits: 1359
2006/10/14
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A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is ! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office.
While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.
She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her,"I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."
Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Johnny both agree.
Ms Brooks asks: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny:, after a moment, "Legs."
Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."
Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut.
Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, but Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Bubblegum
Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Johnny: Shake hands.
Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent.
Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring.
Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose.
Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow.
Ms Brooks: What word starts with 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?
Johnny: Fire truck.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"
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Jokes Category: Men
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Blonde Man Joke
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Hits: 4155
2006/10/14
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There were two blonde guys working for the city works department.
One's job was to dig a hole. The other guy's job was to follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked furiously all day without rest.
One guy digging a hole, the other guy filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I appreciate the effort you are putting into your work, but what's the story? You dig a hole and your partner follows behind and fills it up again."
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, normally we are a three-man team, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
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Jokes Category: Jokes
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REDNECK LOVE POEM
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Hits: 1473
2006/10/14
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SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.
PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.
YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YOU' MOTHER,
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.
BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE,
YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
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Jokes Category: Adult Jokes
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Ms Green
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Hits: 4130
2006/10/14
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A man enters a confessional and says to the Irish Priest, "Father, it has been one month since my last confession. I've had sex with Fannie Green every week for the last month."
The priest tells the sinner, "You are forgiven. Go out and say three 'Hail Mary's'."
Soon, another man enters the confessional. "Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I have had sex with Fannie Green twice a week for the last two months." This time the priest asks, "Who is this Fannie Green?"
"A new woman in the neighbourhood," the sinner replies.
"Very well," says the priest. "Go and say ten 'Hail Mary's'."
The next morning in church, the priest is preparing to deliver his sermon when a gorgeous, tall woman enters the church. All the men's eyes fall upon her as she slowly sashays up the aisle and sits down in front of the Altar.
Her dress is green and very short, with matching shiny emerald green shoes.
The priest and altar boy gasp as the woman sits down with her legs slightly spread apart, Sharon Stone-style.
The priest turns to the altar boy and whisperingly asks, "Is that Fannie Green?"
The altar boy replies, "No Father, I think its just the reflection off her shoes".
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